The 25 years prior I'm not sure I would be saying that. It would probably be more along the lines of - I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, and I'm not pretty enough. Sometimes those thoughts creep back into my mind..why does he like me? why am I not more successful? how can I change?
Change isn't a bad thing (depending on what it is of course!) and I have decided it is about time I change myself for the better.
I have been overweight the majority of my life. Always a little bit bigger than the other kids, I just always accepted it as part of being who I was. I kept being a little chubbier and was fine with it until I got to college. After an injury sidelined me from swimming and some emotional situations in my personal life I let it get worse and worse to the point I am at now. Luckily, I have a boyfriend who finds me beautiful regardless of my shape and size...but I have finally realized I can't use that as an excuse not to change. I deserve the healthiest version of myself so I can fully enjoy what life has to offer...no more fears of squeezing into a middle seat of a plane or not doing something active because I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. I can no longer hold myself back and be content. I need to get healthier. Tim deserves someone that he doesn't have to worry about. Someone he knows will be by his side for a long time in the future.
He also deserves a partner that can love him with every bit of their heart and put all of their effort into a strong, loving and healthy relationship. As much as I try to do that (and think I do a pretty good job, thank you) I know that the only way to give my all in my life and to him is to truly love myself. I need to sort through my doubts, my emotional baggage, and learn to be happy with all of me.
I have to start simple and am going to do it in a few ways:
- Food - Eating simple, healthy meals and tracking it all - I admit some things are going to be "convenience" health food for now (microwave veggie steamers, anyone?) with the goal of eating as "clean" as possible once I am in more of a routine
- Exercise - Moving more, nothing fancy for now - walks, elliptical, stationary bike, weight machines and some at home workout DVDs. I want to get back into other things I used to do once I have a bit of my general fitness back - yoga, swimming, Zumba...and whatever else I may want to try!
- Mind - Blogging is how I plan to start this area of improvement. My blog will be a place to relive old memories, a place to make new ones, and a place to open up about my challenges and my victories.
I have tried this all before and failed but I feel like its going to be different this time for two reasons. By my side I am going to have my biggest inspiration of all, Tim (fun fact: he walked 15 million steps and lost 90 lbs!). The second part is me. I know I can do. I want to do this for myself so I can live my life to the fullest. I want to be free of worry, free of doubt, and free of hate.